- 0:00:29 – Intro
- 0:03:34 – This Week’s Beer – True Blonde Ale
- 0:10:47 – Round Table
- 0:15:20 – HL1 – Taint Tazer
- 0:25:29 – HL2 – Cucumajayjay
- 0:34:46 – German Terror
- 0:58:03 – Next Week’s Beer
- 0:59:52 – Faith In Dogmanity
- 1:02:05 – Outro
- 1:02:47 – Outtakes
In This Week’s Show, episode 155, it’s time for a spooky Halloween episode! So sit back, stuff your face with free treats and let’s trick this bitch out!
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while, Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, hasn’t struck us down yet we are trying his patience!
Shea’s Life Lesson
This week I learned that the gender-neutral version of sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
Jenn’s Actual Lesson
Did you know the devilish spirit El Tio (The Uncle) rules the mines of Cerro Rico in the Bolivian village of Potosi? Villagers often bring offerings such as cigarettes, coca leaves, and alcohol for his goat-like statues, and will even ritualistically slaughter a llama and smear its blood on the entry to the mine for protection. (Same ole bloody llama drama.)
But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!
This Week’s Beer
True Blonde Ale – Ska Brewing
Thanks, Tim & Keith
- BA Link: http://bit.ly/2wUS9IJ
- BA Rating: 21.5%
- RateBeer: overall 22/50, scoring 29/50 for the style. For a weighted average of 2.83/5
- RateBeer Link: http://bit.ly/2zf2Gj9
- ABV: 5.0%
- Style: American Blonde Ale
- Aaron: 7
- Jenn: n/a
- Shea: 7
- Steve: 8
This Week’s Show
Round Table Discussion
Fun, smart, subversive and therefore dangerous.
By Vlad the Wholesaler on Oct 17, 2017
This show is a lot of fun, witty, irreverent and iconoclastic. The hosts will almost certainly be shot as soon as the coming populist revolution occurs and a theocracy is rightfully installed. Thus, listen now, before it’s too late.
A bit of housekeeping for the show.
To all those who got more episodes in the last few weeks than we’ve released, we’re sorry — even though it’s not really our fault ? — our now ex-podhost was incompetent since they couldn’t figure out how to enable SSL. So they hosed the feed every few months in the attempt. Adding to a perfect storm of podcatcher bs, podcast aggregator and giant bag of frustration-boners, decided to, in its own words:
Some symptoms included show pages listing no episodes, the wrong podcast appearing in lists, incorrect episodes appearing in particular podcasts, and new episodes not publishing.
And finally, tying it all together with the aforementioned excessive apologies, iTunes decided to go for the hat-trick and randomly unsubscribe people. Listeners to Scathing Atheist and so on may have noticed that they’re getting a fraction of the shows they’re used to. Which sucks.
Now, for the resolutions. Stitcher totes mcGoats promises that it fixed itself, though it still saves files from iTunes then rehosts them itself confuckulating everything from a content producer standpoint. iTunes has, apparently, unfucked itself and you can re-subscribe if need be. Best of all you’ll get our new, less assholy feed, so that’s nice.
Speaking of our new, less assholy, feed. If you want to subscribe directly to our show, bypassing iTunes, Stitcher and anyone else who wants to “help” you’ll find that link in our show notes and on our website.
Add this feed to your podcatcher to subscribe direct:
If you use Overcast.fm, which we suggest, or Pocket Casts for Android, this quick guide on Medium will get you going: http://bit.ly/2zAD2Wm
Headlines (More like, you’re gonna wish you were Dead-lines)
Israeli startup develops app to help prevent premature ejaculation – http://bit.ly/2gO0JHf
- Virility Medical, which operates within the technology incubator of NGT3 in the northern Israeli city of Nazareth, announced that it successfully completed a clinical trial in human males using a patch placed between the anus and scrotum which is then controlled by a smartphone application.
- The application “sends a low-frequency electrical current that contracts the muscle responsible for ejaculation, and delays it,” Virility Medical said in a statement last week.
- The trial, which took place at the Clinic for Sexual Dysfunction at the Rambam Medical Center in Haifa and was led by Dr. Arik Shechter and Prof. Ilan Gruenwald, was deemed successful with no immediate side effects.
- According to Virility Medical, an average 3.5-fold increase in delaying ejaculation was recorded among 20 patients suffering from premature ejaculation who took part in the trial.
- “An estimated 79 million men suffer from premature ejaculation in the United States and in the EU, and more than 15 million men are actively looking for a medical solution to the problem. We’re bringing a groundbreaking, effective, and simple solution, with no side effects compared to existing products on the market,” said Tal Gollan, the founder, and CEO of Virility Medical.
Please don’t put cucumbers up your vagina… – http://bit.ly/2yPw17D
- Proponents of the “cucumber cleanse” suggest that you peel a cucumber and “insert it into the vagina and twist around, in and out movements to cleanse the yoni”. They suggest it “resets your pH balance” (which is nonsense) and leaves you smelling fresh (which is also nonsense).
- Here one “expert” in the practice explains the benefits…
- So how do you cleanse your vajayjay?
- This is my cucumber I carved for what I’m about to share…..
- If you didn’t know, a natural cleaner and one of the tools you can use for restoring pH to your yoni is a peeled organic cucumber.
- You can insert it into the vagina and twist around, in and out movements to cleanse the yoni.
- The same can be done with cleansing the throat & the mouth. Using a peeled cucumber you can clean your mouth and throat of any bacteria or viruses.
- Last, You can also use it to help start the stimulation of your gspot to work on understanding your body and having stronger orgasms! Perfect for women withholding from sex to keep the energy flowing.
- I’m going to show you this goddess practice to make sure that you are in optimum vajajay health AND how to sculpt it for your pleasure!! Ya’ll ready?
- So how do you cleanse your vajayjay?
- You’re welcome, Jenn…
Hollywood Drinks the Blood of Sacrificed Children – http://bit.ly/2yOJEne
- Rodney Howard-Browne, a Christian preacher who bragged about putting his hands on Donald Trump in prayer to thwart an attack against the President (only to reveal no details at all when asked about it by the Secret Service)
- He claims Hollywood bigwigs feast on the blood of children… that is when they’re not molesting the kids.
- “They sacrifice children at the highest levels in Hollywood,” Howard-Browne declared. “They drink blood of young kids. This is a fact. That is why the next thing to be exposed will be all the pedophilia that is going to come out of Hollywood and out of Washington, D.C. The human sacrifice and the cannibalism have been going on for years. Some of you say, ‘Oh, they don’t do that.’ It’s worse than what you think. You remember when the whole spirit cooking thing came out? That’s commonplace, ladies and gentlemen. And many of the Hollywood actors that you go see on a screen, what you don’t know [is] they bring a witch, they do a big scene right there on the set and they worship devils and they allow devils to come into them before they take the part of what they’re going to act. It’s a fact what I am telling you.”
This Week’s Stories
Second Half of HORROR:
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Welcome to another terrifying tale of real-life unexplained events.
Today we’re traveling a little further back in time from last year, and a tad more westerly. It’s Germany, 1922, in a rural farmstead about 50 miles north of Munich, near the small village of Kaifeck. It’s late March, but still very cold and the ground still has a thick covering of snow. This is farmstead owned by Andreas Gruber, and as the years have passed the farm has come to be known as Hinterkaifeck.
Ring a bell? I hope not. I like it when my listeners are…unprepared. Bwahahaha….cough, cough, cough
The creepiness of this unsolved case actually begins towards the end of 1921. The farmstead’s housekeeper fled her employment that autumn and never came back. She told people around the village of Kaifeck that the farm was haunted. That there was an evil force. She heard noises: footsteps and whispers from the attic, feeling she was being watched and unexplained movements throughout the night. Being a not stupid maid, she noped the fuck out of there and, with what comes later, I’m sure never regretted that decision.
So here we are, for 6 months, on a creepy snow-covered farm with only the family Gruber. Let’s meet the players: we have father Andreas, who I have already mentioned. At this time he is 63 and apparently crotchety as hell. Most neighbors and townsfolk don’t have much nice to say about Andreas. He’s weird and grumpy and…well, we’ll talk more about him later.
In addition, there is his 72 yr old wife Cazilia, their widowed daughter Viktoria (35) and her two children, Cazilia (7) and Josef (2). Viktoria was widowed when her husband was killed in WWI, over 5 yrs before. (And yes, doing the math it seems Josef’s appearance didn’t align in a good Christian way. ) The family was considered odd and mainly kept to themselves, but they attended church and Viktoria sang in the choir.
So here we are, it’s taken 6mo but the Gruber’s have hired a new housekeeper, Maria Baungauter, who is set to move in and begin work at the end of the last week of March. And it’s been a weird few weeks leading up. Andreas has noticed unexplained events and complained to his neighbors: footprints in the snow leading up to the house from the forest, but never leaving. A newspaper that they did not subscribe to and none of the family claims to have bought appears in the house. A set of house keys goes missing.
The weekend passes. Viktoria does not show up for church or choir on Sunday, but neighbors see smoke rising from the farmhouse’s chimney so don’t think much of it. Monday morning young Cazilia doesn’t show up for school, nor the next day. Neighbors begin to notice mail is starting to pile up at the post office.
Finally, on April 4th, the neighbors form a party to investigate. Led by Lorenz Schlittenbauer, the group of men goes to the farmstead and find a big old heap of fucked. Up. Lorenz heads straight to the barn, the others followed, discovering under piles of hay 4 of the Grubers, the 3 adults, and young Cazilia. They had been pummeled to death by a mattock, which I guess is a less murdery sounding word than a pickaxe.
Lorenz takes off running (some accounts say ‘shouting for his son’ the plot deepens!) for the farmhouse. Inside, little Josef is found murdered in his crib, killed in the same way as his family. Finally, housekeeper Maria is found in her bed, also killed in the same way as the family, and victim of what surely has to be one of the worst first days on the job in known history.
So… what the heck, right? What actually happened here? Some facts about the crime and scene: the murders were found to take place on the Friday before. Viktoria and her daughter appear to be the first who were lured out to the barn, followed by the older couple later. They were all bludgeoned, with Viktoria receiving the most blows and also showing signs of strangulation. (Creepiest/most awful detail: young Cazilia apparently lay for hours dying and pulled out clumps of her own hair.) The bodies were stacked on top of each other and covered with hay. (Bodies in the house were also covered.)
After the two murders in the house, the murderer(s) stayed for several days, took care of the farm and its animals and ate the family’s food.
Family secrets have to be discussed.
Homicidal ghosts in attic
Viktoria’s supposedly dead (but maybe not really) husband
Final note: The heads of all the victims were removed to send to a ‘clairvoyant’. Unfortunately, WWII broke out before the skulls could get back to the bodies and were lost (WORST clairvoyant EVER). So the headless bodies are all buried under a small memorial statue and that is not creepy at all.
Patreon story – http://bit.ly/2zAbi4j
The alien ranch is full of aliens!
- Arizona’s infamous “Alien Ranch” is now up for sale!
- You too can farm anal probes for as little as 5 million bucks! It would only be 1 million, the valuation of the ranch, but it was recently featured on Travel Channel 8, the Ocho, and shot up by 4 million!
- The owners are desperate to get rid of their Stardust Ranch, which is not, sadly, in Stardew Valley.
- Not to be confused with Utah’s Skinwalker Ranch. But what Alien Ranch lacks in endearing Native American lore, it makes up for in science-in-your-butt!
- The upshot, along with 20 years of hot and cold-running alien terror, central heating and probing, the property also comes with a pretty sweet swimming pool!
- John Edmonds and his wife Joyce say the aliens, which they call “greys,” (they appear to be little grey men) have been attacking them for over 20 years on the property in Buckeye, Arizona.
- John, 58, says he has no choice but to slay them with one of his many samurai swords that he keeps around the house. The bodies, I suppose, he gensued into mounds of julianne fries, because they’re sure not available.
- Quote: Unfortunately, once they are cut with the samurai blade, the grey bodies vanish immediately afterward, making it impossible for him to preserve them for research.
- The Edmonds family believe that there is a portal on the property, which links them to another universe in which the “greys” travel through. Another one of their theories is that a spaceship or UFO is buried beneath the property, which was built in 1977 (and no, we’re not clear weather that’s the ranch or the ship in 1977…)
- Mr. Edmonds isn’t the only target of the “greys.” In an apparent “upping of their game” they went from simply probing butts to sexually molested 53-year old Joyce in her bedroom. No word yet on the grey’s relation to Harvey Weinstein, though rumors suggest he’s making their bio-pic.
- The 3,436-square-foot home appears to be a regular ranch-style house, with five bedrooms, four bathrooms, and one probing room.
- The listing includes an electronic gate for privacy (except from the aliens).
- The realtor didn’t include the inside pictures because of all of the “weird” things that have gone on at the house.
Next Week’s Beer
Episode 156 – Nov, Friday 3rd
Barrel Series Anniversary Imperial Stout – Wonderland
Thanks Wonderland Brewing
- BA Link: http://bit.ly/2xDHpBW
- BA Rating: 86.7%
- ABV: 10.3%
- Style: Russian Imperial Stout
Faith In Dogmanity Restored
Extra-bonus-dogs-are-better-people-than-people Faith in Dogmanity Restored!
(if we each just read the points and go “aww” it’ll take like 4 or 5 min tops)
Jenn: A dog called Odin survives California wildfires after refusing to abandon his goats – http://bit.ly/2zAw2sA
- Roland Hendel fought back tears as he described leaving behind his beloved family dog Odin as raging wildfires approached his home
- Odin is one of two great Pyrenees who take turns guarding the family’s eight goats from coyotes and mountain lions, and he was on duty the night the fires broke out.
- Rolan returned the next day, circumventing roadblocks to get there. He discovered that his home and everything else on his property was completely destroyed. Except for Odin, who was there waiting for him — with all eight goats.
Aaron: Family Had No Idea What Their Dog Was Up To — Until They Found A Note On His Collar – http://thedo.do/2zCJnR4
- Louie is a sheepdog who lives with Marolyn Diver’s parents in New Zealand.
- After an entire afternoon had passed with no sign of Louie, his family was relieved at first to see him ambling back toward the house — but then they noticed a note had been attached to his collar.
- The note was from a neighboring farmer, Rob, who couldn’t find his dog, Maddy, that day either. However, Louie was at his house, seeming very insistent on being followed. Eventually, Rob agreed — and sure enough, Louie led him directly to a pile of wood where Maddy had gotten trapped, saving her from the elements.
Shea: Turns Out, UPS Drivers Have A Facebook Group About Dogs They Meet On Their Routes, And It Will Make Your Day – http://bit.ly/2zCGrE9
- UPS driver Sean McCarren has created the best Facebook group ever to pay tribute to the furry friends that make daily routes a heck of a lot happier.
- UPS Dogs is a nation-wide network of canine-loving ‘big brown truck’ drivers who post pictures of the pups they become acquainted with along their delivery schedule. Some of them have known their clients’ dogs for years, and have worked out complex treat-exchange systems with them.
- “It’s a good example of the relationships our employees build with their customers, two- or four-legged,” a UPS spokesperson told Buzzfeed News. Make sure you click the link in the show notes for a bunch of super awesome puppy pictures!
Steve: Toddler disappears into cornfield. When cops spot him they’re shocked to see who’s beside him – http://bit.ly/2zCHbJr
- A worried family in Minnesota had no other alternative but to call the authorities when they were unable to locate their young toddler, who had gone missing.
- Fortunately, the family’s English Springer Spaniel, Bella Grace, spotted him and followed along, also accompanied by Bella Grace’s 12-week-old puppy, Madeline.
- A search helicopters camera detected them and Bella Grace was wagging her tail as she stayed by Mason’s side. Mason and the dogs were found after the search team on the ground was informed of their location. Although Mason was found cold and crying after being lost for three hours, at least he was safe and sound with the dogs by his side.
Join The Discussion
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