Episode 274 – The One Where Shea Takes Us To The Zoo!

Feb 7, 2020 | 0 comments

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In This Week’s Show, episode 274, we cook up a banquet of delightfully realish treats to tempt even the most discerning crypto-palet.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while The Chiefs haven’t struck us down yet, we are trying their patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that Vikings covered their roofs in grass so enemy aircraft bombers couldn’t see them.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Jenn didn’t want to drink this week’s beer.

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Even More Jesus from Evil Twin Brewing Stratford, CT

Donated By: Steve E.

  • BA Link: https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/24300/81067/
  • BA Rating: 4.31
  • Style: Imperial Stout
  • ABV:  12%
  • Aaron: 1
  • Shea: 1
  • Steve: 1

This Week’s Show

Patreon Story

Fantastic Beasts and How To Eat Them

  • https://blogs.bl.uk/digitisedmanuscripts/2012/04/unicorn-cookbook-found-at-the-british-library.html
  • http://www.universalleonardo.org/work.php?id=438
  • National Geographic London Book of Lists. https://books.google.com/books/about/National_Geographic_London_Book_of_Lists.html?id=-z-OAwAAQBAJ. Accessed 1 Feb. 2020.

“Taketh one unicorne” is how this begins. Because we’re roasting mothafuckn unicorns y’all!

Being a bit of a foodie I thought that, before Shea treats us all with a beastly quiz, I’d wet our appetites with one of best yee-olde recipes I could find; Roast Unicorn!

Unfortunately, Jenn isn’t here to restore herself with unicorn blood, but hey, we’ll try to save her some left-overs.

From the British Library’s Medieval Manuscripts Blog, comes a tail as old as the kitchen. Kind of… at least that’s what I’m going with. Professor Brian Trump – hereafter referred to as Brian for obvious reasons – of the British Medieval Cookbook Project described the find as near-miraculous. “We’ve been hunting for this book for years. The moment I first set my eyes on it was spine-tingling.”

Like all great cookbooks Geoffrey Fule’s book features the best of illustrations. Check out your phone for a diagram that’s supposed to show a unicorn being cooked, but, more accurately, depicts a unicorn getting his nails done on a bed made of sausages.

Unicorn Grill detailDetail of a unicorn on the grill in Geoffrey Fule’s cookbook, England, mid-14th century (London, British Library, MS Additional 142012, f. 137r).

Experts like Brian or Tim Jepson & Larry Proges who wrote National Geographic’s London Book of Lists: The City’s Best, Worst, Oldest, Greatest, and Quirkiest, believe that the cookbook was compiled by Geoffrey Fule, who worked in the kitchens of Philippa of Hainault, Queen of England (1328-1369). He was known for mixing odd flavors and as such one British scholar called him “the Heston Blumenthal of his day” – for those of us who don’t speak the Queen’s English, that’s kind of like calling him Gordon Ramsey or Emeril Lagassie.

Anyway, back to the unicorn roast.

First, one must catch a unicorn. A difficult task without the help of he who shall not be named. Luckily for us Leonardo Da Vinci took a break from leaving esoteric clues for Tom Hanks to find and accompanied his Young woman seated in a landscape with unicorn, late 1470’s pen and ink, with instructions on their acquisition.

First, because unicorns are, apparently, symbols of sacred and profane chastity, you’ll need a hot virginal maiden. Next, ditch her in a field to spend her day being a Disney princess until a unicorn appears, “the unicorn…because of its intemperance, not knowing how to control itself before the delight it feels towards maidens, forgets its ferocity and wildness, and casting aside all fear it will go up to the seated maiden and sleep in her lap, and thus the hunter takes it.image - Episode 274 - The One Where Shea Takes Us To The Zoo!

Once captured the beast should be removed of its hair, teeth, skin, and hooves. You can put those in the bin as illustrated (see your phone) though thoughtful yee-olde cooks will remember that bullion hasn’t been invented yet so save those to make some awesome unicorn stock.

The recipe itself is rather sparse. It instructs one to marinade the remaining unicorn in a mix of cloves and garlic before roasting on an open flame.

This is typical for recipes of the era. Most simply say to “season” or “cook until done” – most often “boil until donne” because boiling stuff is the best way to not get a foodborne illness like e-coli, Brucilla, or milk-face.image 1 - Episode 274 - The One Where Shea Takes Us To The Zoo!

The cookbook’s compiler, doubtless Geoffrey Fule himself, added pictures in its margins, depicting the unicorn being prepared and then served. Sarah J Biggs, a British Library expert on medieval decoration, commented that “the images are extraordinary, almost exactly as we’d expect them to be, if not better.” For example, look at your phones to see a sad maden serving one of the left over bits.

So there ya go, roast unicorn. Except that all of this is bullshit made up by the British Libraries as an April fools blog post in 2012. Too bad no one told National Geographic eh?

Show Story

Book of Beasts  – http://bestiary.ca/index.html

Before photographs and internets there were very few ways to find out about the mysteries of the world. Instead the learned and wealthy would read books and popular books have always been about animals. A bestiary, or bestiarum vocabulum, is a compendium of beasts. Originating in the ancient world, bestiaries were made popular in the Middle Ages in illustrated volumes that described various animals and even rocks. Quite often the author of the bestiary would only have written or oral descriptions of strange creatures they had never seen or heard of. In fact many historians believe some of the descriptions to be the origins of many mythological creatures. Were going to attempt to figure out what animals were being described by their old and archaic descriptions.

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This animal gives birth in the winter. The young is born as a shapeless and eyeless lump of flesh, which the mother shapes into its proper form by licking it. This animal does not mate like other animals; like humans they embrace each other when they copulate. Their desire is aroused in winter. When in their fourteen day period of hibernation, they are so soundly asleep that not even wounds can wake them. They eat honey, but can only safely eat the apples of the mandrake if they also eat ants.

What is the animal?

-Bears

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This animal is a four-footed beast, about twenty cubits long, that is born in the river. Its skin is very hard, so that it is not hurt when struck by stones. It spends the day on land and the night in the water. It is armed with cruel teeth and claws; it is the only animal that can move the upper part of its jaw while keeping the lower part still. Its dung can be used to enhance a person’s beauty: the excrement is smeared on the face and left there until sweat washes it off. This beast always weeps after eating a man. Despite the hardness of its skin, there are only two animals that can kill it. The sawfish can cut the stomach, and the hydrus can crawl into the mouth and kill it from the inside.

What is the animal?

-Crocodile

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This animal has no knee joints, so if they fall down they cannot get up again. To avoid falling, they lean against a tree while they sleep. To capture one, a hunter can cut part way through a tree; when the animal leans against it, the tree breaks and the animal falls. The animal’s life span is three hundred years. They travel in herds, are afraid of mice, and courteously salute men in whatever way they can.

What is the animal?

-Elephant

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This is a bird that has wings but cannot fly. It has feet like a camel’s, or perhaps cloven hooves like a cow. It can digest anything, even iron. It lays its eggs when it sees the star Virgilia rising. It is careless of its eggs; it lays them on the ground and covers them with sand, then leaves them to hatch on their own, warmed by the summer sun.

What is the animal?

-Ostrich

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This creature does not move by stepping, but crawls with small movements of its scales. When they grow old, it begins to lose its sight, which it can regain by eating fennel. To renew its youth, it fasts until its skin becomes loose, then it crawls through a narrow crack and sheds its old skin. When it goes to a river to drink, it spits its venom into a hole and retrieves it later. This creature will attack clothed men but flee from naked men. If the animal tastes the spit of a fasting man it dies. This is the enemy of the stag and the stork. The smoke from burning stag antlers is deadly to them.

What is the animal?

-Snake

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This is a crafty and deceitful animal that never runs in a straight line, but only in circles. When it wants to catch birds to eat, they roll in red mud so that it appears to be covered in blood. It then lies apparently lifeless; birds, deceived by the appearance of blood and thinking the animal to be dead, land on it and are immediately devoured.

What is the animal?

-Fox

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Isidore of Seville wrote in the 7th century that this animal called the camelopardus is so called because it has the head of a camel and the spots of a leopard. Its neck is like that of a horse, and its feet like those of cattle. It is from Ethiopia.

What is the animal?

-Giraffe

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This creature has the appearance of a young pig, but is entirely covered with sharp spines, which protect it from danger. When it is time for the harvest, they go into a vineyard, and climb up a vine, shaking the grapes off onto the ground. It then rolls around on the fallen grapes to spear them with its spines, so it can carry the fruit home to feed its young.

What is the animal?

-Hedgehog

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This small animal is born from the soil. Its liver gets larger at the time of the full moon.Some of these animals gnaw at iron by instinct; in the country of the Chalybes they also gnaw at gold in mines, and when their bellies are cut open stolen gold is always found. The appearance of white versions of these animals is a good omen.

What is the animal?

-Mice

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This is not a noble bird. It is unlike other birds in that it gives birth to live young instead of laying eggs, and it has teeth. They gather together and hang from high places like a bunch of grapes; if one falls, all the rest also fall.

What is the animal?

-Bat

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This creature is industrious, never ceasing to build its net from a long thread. It is an aerial worm that takes its nourishment from the air.It is said that if it tastes the saliva of a fasting man, it dies.

What is the creature?

-Spider

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This creature is properly classified as a worm, not a snake, according to Isidore. It stings with its tail and so injects poison into the wound. A person who is stung becomes hydrophobic. It will not strike the palm of the hand.If ten crabs are tied with basil, all of these creatures in the area will gather together.

What is the creature?

-Scorpion

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This is a dirty animal that must not be eaten. It conceives at the mouth and gives birth through the ear. If the birth takes place through the right ear, the offspring will be male; if it is through the left ear, a female will be born. There are two types of this animal; one lives in the woods and the other in houses. They chase mice and snakes. The cleverness of these beasts is shown by the way they move their young from place to place. They are also skilled in medicine and can revive their young if they are killed. This is the enemy of the basilisk and is the only animal that can kill one.

What is the animal?

-Weasel

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The creature remains floating at the surface for long periods, so its back becomes covered with sand. Approaching sailors, thinking it to be an island, land there and build a fire to cook their food. After a time the heat penetrates its thick skin, and it dives to cool itself. The ship is dragged down with it and the sailors drown. When hungry it opens its mouth and emits a sweet odor, which attracts small fish. The fish swim into the mouth, which closes on them.

What is the animal?

-Whale

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This animal is hunted for its testicles, which are valued for making medicine. When the animal sees that it cannot escape from the hunter, it bites off its testicles and throws them to the hunter, who then stops pursuing him. If another hunter chases him, it shows the hunter that it has already lost its testicles and so is spared.

What is the animal?

-Beaver

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These are the smallest of birds. They are born from the bodies of oxen, or from the decaying of slaughtered calves. They live in a community, choose the most noble among them as king, have wars, and make food. Their laws are based on custom, but the king does not enforce the law; rather the lawbreakers punish themselves by suicide. They are afraid of smoke and are excited by noise. Each has its own duty: guarding the food supply, watching for rain, collecting dew.

What is the creature?

-Bee

Next Week’s Beer

Red Sunshine by Lucky Bucket Brewing Co. LaVista, NE

Donated By: Brendon

  • BA Link: https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/19241/350137/
  • BA Rating: 3.63
  • Style: American India Pale Ale
  • ABV: 6%

Happy Ending

Faith Follow Up: Minnesota woman sees long-lost dog’s photo on beer cans promoting Manatee County shelter pups

  • https://www.fox13news.com/news/minnesota-woman-sees-long-lost-dogs-photo-on-beer-cans-promoting-manatee-county-shelter-pups

So last week Steve told the … tail… of a beer company printing pictures of dogs on their cans a la lost-kids-on-milk.

In addition to driving adoptions, we have some pretty great instant follow up.

When Day Day came through the doors at Manatee County Animal Services, she had a microchip registered to Monica Mathis, but her contact information was out of date. “I was scrolling pretty much on Facebook and I saw,” Mathis said. “I was like, ‘Oh my gosh! That’s my dog!’”

Day Day, whose name is actually Hazel, went missing when Mathis lived in Iowa.

“I really thought she was gone, I never thought I’d see her again,” said Mathis. “I had a doubt, I was like ‘Oh my gosh, it looks like her, but is it really her?”

Without wasting any time, she called Manatee County Animal Services.

“We saw photos and vet records. This dog was such an important part of her family that she had everything to prove she was her owner, there was really no way we could trace her back to that particular owner. It’s a great reminder to people when they do these things to go into their profile and make sure all their contact information is up to date.”

Wohlgefahrt said.

This Week’s Unique Faith Restored

May as well be about dogs too eh?

A terminally ill rescue dog became a police K-9 for a day

  • https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/22/us/rescue-dog-bucket-list-trnd/index.html

The dog, Eddie, was abandoned and spent almost a month wandering in nearby Benton City before he was rescued.

“We thought he had been hit by a car,” she said Wednesday. “We rushed him to the vet and we discovered that he, unfortunately, had cancer.”

Authorities then reached out to their rescue partners, Mikey’s Chance canine rescue, and Brown’s friend, Kristi Kesler, agreed to become Eddie’s foster mom for life.

“He’s just the best dog, so friendly, so well-behaved, he knows all of his commands, he’s just the sweetest thing, he deserves six months to a year of all the love and happiness that we can give him.”

Kesler created a bucket list, which included becoming a police K-9.

“We believe in helping people and that also means helping animals in our community, so we have all come together as a family and are all fighting alongside Eddie,” Pasco police Detective Julie Lee told KEPR.

They swore him in and even made him a custom police coat. Look at your phones!

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He’s an adorable chonker.

Officer Lee and others took Eddie to several locations around town. His first official call was to a local auto body shop for “service to pick up property,” where he received a gift basket with treats, food, and toys to take home. They even donated to his veterinarian bills.

“These people who’ve really stepped up and said we want to make a difference in this dog’s life — it’s meant the world to know that people still do care,” Kesler told KAPP. “Having them and being able to be a part of their lives and make a difference like in Eddie, to bring this joy to him no matter how short of time it is that’s what we hold onto.”

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